Besides being the only guy at CLEO, I’m also the only one in the editorial team who didn’t watch the first two instalments of the 50 Shades
soft-porn romance trilogy. Let’s just say the idea of watching steamy sex scenes in a room full of strangers isn’t my idea of a good time.
So I was quite surprised to find myself not protesting when Senior Features Writer Sophie suggested that I review 50 Shades Freed, the latest and last instalment of the series. I guess I was just curious to uncover its (mysterious, to me) appeal.
Here are five things that crossed my mind while watching 50 Shades Freed:
“Man, this show doesn’t waste any time!”
After a five-minute marriage montage, we come (heh) to the first sex scene of the movie. While handcuffs were involved, it was an otherwise conventional, missionary-style lovemaking session. Disappointing. What happened to all that BDSM stuff it’s famous for? Did they quit the rough and tumble play for straightforward sex?
“Holy sh*t, this is hardcore”
Turns out the movie was just easing me in. The BDSM bits are still a major part of the movie and, man, they’re pretty no holds barred. I won’t spoil too much, but I will say that one borders on torture, and another involves a buttplug. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
“This show has everything and the kitchen sink”
I went in expecting an unbroken chain of sex scenes and melodrama, so I was quite surprised to find moments of action (a car chase!), suspense (look out, he’s behind you!) and even comedy thrown into the mix. That’s not to say these elements were done well across the board — for the most part, they weren’t, and the tone abruptly shifts every few minutes so you’re sometimes not sure whether to feel sad or aroused — but variety’s always nice.
“The sex scenes are pretty well done”
This variety extended to the sex scenes, which were artfully shot and took place in a wide range of settings and situations, including the steamiest haircut I’ve ever seen, and the most ridiculous car sex scene ever committed to celluloid. Ironically, I only noticed two sex positions in the entire movie: seated cowgirl (in the aforementioned car sex scene) and missionary (the rest). Weird, considering the series is all about sexual adventure. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“Christian Grey’s a grade-a creep”
So I didn’t like Christian Grey at all. He’s possessive (he tells Anastasia to cover up so other guys don’t ogle her… at a nude beach), chauvinistic (he gets mad at her for not adopting his surname) and abusive (while Anastasia is strapped and immobile, he hurls abusive language at her while teasing her to the brink of orgasming – but never actually letting her climax – to teach her a lesson). Having heaps of cash and a killer bod doesn’t excuse you for being a douche, Mr Grey.
All in all, I give the movie 50/100.
Fifty Shades Freed opens in cinemas islandwide on 9 February 2018.