The Types Of Colleagues You’ll Meet At Any Office Party
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Depending on your emotional state during the festive season, office parties can be great or cry-in-a-toilet-cubicle-not-so-great. It could be a day where you can spend the afternoon day drinking with the people you call “colleagues” or it could be a day where you can finally tell Bob from accounting that his breath smells like a toilet in Chernobyl.
Here, we’re going to talk about the seven kinds of office people you will meet at the party. Take some notes because it’s like the cafeteria scene in Mean Girls. Except you know, you’re of legal age of drink…we hope.
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Karen Fully Loaded
For 364 days a day, Karen wears Love Bonito and RUBI sandals but on that very day, she’s coming alive baby! She’s put on her Ferragamo Vara flats, she got a professional blowout and now, she’s doing the unthinkable—drinking in the same office where she spreads vicious rumours. This is the day you’ll get to see her do the second more unthinkable thing—being a perfectly pleasant person.
Tammy is chill. Like, she has a collection of air plants on her desk and a poster that says KEEP CALM AND DO YOGA chill. What happens to her during the office party when she has had too much to drink? She spills the sordid deets about her life—she’s trapped in an unhappy marriage where her husband cries after climaxing. It’s OK, Tammy, that’s another reason why we keep a box of tissues next to our bed.
Guess what’s the next frustrating thing about a meeting that doesn’t need to be a meeting? Well, Emotional Eddie who fist pumps like it’s 2008. His emotional nature has no limits and like an episode of Singapore Social, you never know what you’re going to get. Is he going to cry while delivering an “impactful speech”? Is he going to get angry because you didn’t laugh at his dad joke? Is he going to be his most annoying self?
We love Timmy because he fixes our computer even though he’s having lunch and for some bizarre reason, he is the voice of reason itself. But conversations with him are hard because you just can’t seem to find a common interest to discuss. You want to badly tell him, “Stop telling me to restart my computer when I have a tech problem,” but you don’t want to risk him not lending a hand when you need it the most. So you just smile politely and talk about the weather or the traffic jam during the festive period.
This writer has had a drink thrown in his face by a psycho Sophie. Granted she was drunk, but then again every office has a psycho Sophie. She’s fun, bubbly and when she’s drunk, she’ll make you chug tequila shots until you go blind in one eye. Before HR complains and issues you a warning letter post-office party, you might want to confine your shenanigans to the conference room.
Dance Off Danny
2019 was a great year: scientists have found the first fossilised embryo; we have created imitation rhino horn and urh, we’ve finally realised that we’re dooming ourselves by throwing plastic. Why then does Danny like to dance like someone auditioning for Blue or the Backstreet Boys? Why is he still wearing his PT shoes from the Army? Why does he smell like a fratboy aka he uses the Adidas body spray? WHY IS HE DANNY?!?!!?!?!?!1
Stay Longer Sam
The cardinal rule of partying is that once you get too drunk, you leave the room and sing karaoke. But Stay Longer Sam doesn’t care, he’s going to continue drinking and forcing people to dance because truth be told, he kinda has nothing going on in his life. He might also mill around long enough to wait for people to invite him to an after party but truth be told Sam, no one likes you that much. Sorry bro!