I’m sick and tired of dating the wrong guys. I want a boyfriend. But why do I keep attracting a**holes?
This post was contributed by dating coach Rishma Petraglia (@rishma_petraglia). She has a podcast called You Are Worthy of Love, which talks about dating, relationships, love, and heartbreak. Listen to it on Spotify here.
Before we delve into this question, let’s clearly define what an a**hole is. Google tells me that an a-hole is:
a stupid, irritating, or contemptible person.
I didn’t love that definition, as it’s not really giving us a lot of information, so I took the liberty of going on urbandictionary.com to find a better one. Urban Dictionary says that an a**hole is:
An inconsiderate, arrogant, uncaring, selfish, borderline sadistic, apathetic, mean, spiteful, dishonorable, bastard of a man who could tempt the Pope into a fight.
OK, now we’re getting somewhere.
One more point of clarity before I give my advice: if you’re looking for me to confirm your belief that ‘Men are assholes’, I am not going to do that. Why?
Because from my own experiences in life, I believe there are lots of great men out there who want to find love, and if you are not meeting them, there could be deeper reasons why.
Reason #1: It’s not him, it’s you
I believe in the law of attraction, which states that you have the ability to attract what you’re focusing on into your life.
Simply put: whenever we are attracting something more frequently in our lives – whether it’s to do with work, friends, or our relationships – it’s a sign of what’s going on internally, with our subconscious thoughts and beliefs.
So for example, if you’re someone who lacks self-worth or confidence, according to the law of attraction, you’ll find yourself in the company of people who reflect this back to you.
People who think things like “I am not good enough”, “I am not pretty enough”, “I am not smart enough”, would attract people who’d show them that these beliefs are true.
When we focus on changing our subconscious thoughts and think more positively about ourselves, we are then able to create more uplifting experiences in our lives, and also attract people who see us through the lens of acceptance and unconditional love.
But let’s say that this is not resonating for you. Then you might be interested in the second reason why you might be constantly dating the “wrong guys”.
Reason #2: You keep attracting a**holes because you are attracted to a**holes
From my experience as a dating coach, there’s a reason why many women are attracted to the “a**hole” types. That’s because these guys have an important trait that most people find desirable and likable – it’s because they’re exciting.
In an experiment, a social psychologist set up three types of dates for his subjects to go on.
The first guy would agree with everything the subject said.
The second guy would disagree with everything the subject said.
The third guy would start off the date by disagreeing with the subject, then halfway through the date, he’d start agreeing with everything.
Out of the three guys, the subjects rated the third guy as more attractive and desirable.
If you want to know more, watch the TED talk below. It starts from around the 6-minute mark.
And here’s the reason why: people love it when they think they’ve made a positive impact on someone. So when the third guys suddenly started agreeing, the subject subconsciously felt like they were having an impact on him. When we feel like we’ve made an impact on someone, it actually makes us like the person more.
On the flip side, when a person always agrees with us, it can feel dull, boring, and unattractive. And let’s face it: an a**hole almost always disagree with you, which can make him seem more intriguing and engaging. He would, knowing or unknowingly, give you an occasional glimmer of hope – which makes you feel like you’ve impacted him in a positive way. Then he goes back to disagreeing with you, and the cycle rinses and repeats.
So here’s the question you have to ask yourself. Do you want someone who is like a roller coaster: an exhilarating ride with crazy turns, and ups-and-downs, but with no real destination?
Or do you want someone who is like a road trip: calm, smooth, and driving to a destination?
Either way, the power to choose is in your hands.
Have a question for dating coach Rishma? Email us at CLEO@sph.com.sg.