We hate to burst your sex-fantasy bubble, but no one is immune to awkwardness in the bedroom. Even if you move to the Himalayas and spend years learning the ancient arts of the Kama Sutra, you will stind contend with fanny farts, getting your jeans stuck around your ankles and bumping teeth – just in a more exotic location. Whehter you’re in a mountainside tent or up the hall from your flatmate’s room, these sex stitches can strike anywhere.
- He’s a little, well, smaller than you were expecting
We’ve all experienced the disappointment of opening a present only to discover it’s not what we hoped for. You face the same risk when your man drops his dacks for the first time – it could be the iPhone you’ve been wanting or an, er, iPod Nano. “It’s not good form to make disparaging remarks,” reminds etiquette expert Anna Musson from The Good Manners Company. What is good form is to lie on your back and lift your legs into a V-shape. From this mutually beneficial position, you won’t need to exchange your present!
- He fell asleep. Down there.
“One minute it was all systems go, the next he stopped suddenly and I realized he was asleep,” recalls Roxy, a 21-year-old student. “He’d had a fair but to drink, but still. It was mortifying. Telling my friends about it the next day was pretty hilarious though.” And therein lies the key to not letting Mr Snooze get you down – his parlay into the land of nod has absolutely nothing to do with you, how you’re performing or what your body looks or tastes like, so don’t take it personally! Do, however, have a chuckle when you discuss the drama with your besties.
- He can’t get it up
Even if your guy could give Russell Brand a run for his money in the sex stakes, there will inevitably be times when Little Russ won’t cooperate. The culprit could be booze, tiredness, stress or nevers, but remember that this situation is likely to be more awkward for him than it is for you. “Instead of getting annoyed, slow things down and just snuggle or kiss,” advises sexologist and relationship expert Dr Nikki Goldstein. “If he is really have trouble, then you can stop to talk about it.”
- You’re drier than the Sahara desert
It’s the female equivalent of not being able to get it up, and not being wet enough can make for some painful penetration. But whether it’s the result of medication, your mood or your man’s unwillingness for foreplay, your dryness doesn’t have to signal the end of your romp fest. “I’ve always had a little trouble getting really wet, so now I make sure I’ve got some lube in my bedside table,” says 26-year-old Danielle. “I don’t make a big deal about it – I just put some on my fingers and touch myself a bit. No one I’ve been with seems to mind!”
- It’s tough getting in on… the condom, that is
One minute you’re getting hot and heavy with your man, the next you’re contorting your body as you try to pull a condom out of the bedside drawer while simultaneously pulling off his pants. “Our body’s sexual responses do not include a pause to put on a condom, and when the pressure is on, we tend to sometimes stuff this one up,” explains Dr Goldstein. “My best tip for getting away from that awkward moment is learning how to put it on with your mouth. It turns condom time into sexy time and prolongs foreplay – just be careful with your teeth!”
- What he’s doing feels… not good
The poor love. He probably thinks the way he’s moving his hips in a circle like that, or thrusting in and out of you faster than the speed of light, is really turning you on. But yeah, um, no, it’s not, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t (gently) tell him so. “I was having sex with a guy I really liked for the first time,” says 25-year-old engineer Amber. “I was expecting it to be pretty hot because we had great chemistry, but it was more like he was masturbating with my body rather than actually having sex with me. I grabbed his hips, looked straight in his eyes, arched my back a bit and said, ‘I really want to feel you deep inside me.’ It did the trick. He slowed down, paid more attention to how I was responding and it was much more enjoyable.”
Read Part 2 here.
Images: Vadim Guzhva / 123RF.com, Cathy Yeulet / 123RF.com
Text: Lisa O’Brien, Jessica Martin