We need to have more conversations about sex. Most of us seems to find it easier to ask our boss for a promotion or pay raise then to talk to our partner about what we want in bed.
So why can’t we be upfront about our sexual needs?
It’s important to be honest with your partner about all aspects of your relationship – and that includes sex. The main reason why it’s difficult for so many of us to bring up the subject is because it’s not part of our culture. Sexual pleasure wasn’t something that was discussed around the dinner table or in school. Growing up, we were socialised into thinking that “good girls” weren’t forward about sex.
Because of how we were raised, many of us are just too shy, fearful or embarrassed to discuss sex with our partners. We worry about being perceived as “abnormal” or “deviant”. We wonder, “What will he think of me if I tell him that I want him to go down on me more often or that I want to bring a sex toy to bed with us?”. There’s also that wariness about offending our men.
And many of us just don’t know how to ask for what we want.
But sexual honesty is so important. Here’s why.
Honesty in a relationship is about more than just staying faithful or being truthful to your partner. In addition to mutual respect and trust, a strong, healthy relationship is also based on sexual honesty. Sexual honesty encompasses many things. Faking your orgasm, for one, is being sexually dishonest. So is saying “yes” when you actually mean “no”. But not sharing your sexual preferences or desires with your partner also counts as sexual dishonesty. By neglecting your sexual needs out of embarrassment or a fear of offending your man, you set yourself up for frustration and disappointment.
We can’t read each other’s minds, and nobody should have to guess what you like or don’t like. So the only want to get what you want in bed is to be open and honest about it. More than improving your sex life, it is one of many ways to honour your relationship and strengthen the emotional connection with your man.
Here’s how to ask for what you want in bed.
Now that you’re ready to be more open with your man about your sexual needs, it’s important to know how to go about it. While we all have different communication styles, being respectful and tactful is a must. Avoid starting your conversations with “You never”, “You won’t” and “You can’t”. Using accusatory language will only your man feel inadequate or get defensive. Remember, this is not a you-versus-him situation. It’s about working together to improve your sex life.
It’s also best to be positive when putting your requests forward. For example, instead of telling your guy what you don’t like, talk about what he can do to make your sex life better while reminding him about all the ways he already pleases you in bed.
Sometimes, using body language is better than talking. Instead of telling your partner what moves you like, show him. For instance, while in bed, guide his hands or mouth towards those places that you want him to pay more attention to, or go ahead an initiate a new sexual position that you want to try. Want to introduce dirty talk while making love? Just go ahead and do it.
There are some instances where you may need to speak up, though. Scroll through the gallery for a few ideas to navigate those tricky conversations.