The Second Date Test

No matter how hard they pretend, very few blokes are the same species as those devilishly handsome, elegant fellows you see in fragrance commercials. But to appear more like these mythical figures and less like Kylie Sandilands, men will subtly alter every facet of their personality on a first date.

When a man gets as far as securing a date with a lady, it’s a big deal. He may have spent the afternoon sitting around in his underpants watching Star Wars, but by that night he’ll be as foppish and gentlemanly as Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.

But be warned: if a second rendezvous comes of it, his demeanour will noticeably switch. By now, the nerves will have been replaced by a sense of unflinching self-belief. You might simply be meeting him again because you’d like to get to know him better, but he’s thinking, “This chick totally wants to get into my pants.” Sweaty palms will be replaced by swagger and his thoughts will jump between trying to picture you naked and hoping you don’t order the expensive wine again.

You’ll now learn if you’re genuinely compatible. If, in round two, he’s still chatting about the latest Archibald Prize exhibition, maybe he didn’t just memorise what he read about it in the paper. If he spends his time bemoaning the Aussie cricket team’s performance, you can be sure of two things: one, he’s very comfortable in your company (yay); and two, his convos will be this dull in the future (boo). You might have had the urge to pash him after a few vinos on the first date, but do you really want to go in for a kiss now you’ve noticed that food is stuck in his teeth? If you do, take a moment to imagine him on the couch in his saggy undies. This could be your future. If you still like the guy after that, pash away, because this might be as good as it gets. Those handsome dudes from the perfume ads don’t really exist, remember?

First-date lies he’ll tell
Don’t say we didn’t warn you, ladies!

1. My housemates are a really chilled older couple.
Translation: he still lives with his parents.

2. “I’m completely over my ex. That’s ancient history.”
Translation: he obsessively stalks her on Facebook.

3. “I’m really interested in health and fitness.”
Translation: he likes watching hot girls in workout videos.

Text: Bobby Townsend
Images: georgerudy /, maridav /​

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