Have you ever had an orgasm in your life? Chances are that you have—and you might not even be married. One woman, Carla*, is 32 years old, married but has never climaxed before. Don’t get her wrong—she loves her husband and they have sex regularly, but she has never orgasmed—a problem that she says started long before she got married.
“I’m lucky to be with an amazing man who treats me well and goes out of his way to make me feel special. My girlfriends think I have the perfect marriage, and in many ways they’re not wrong. David* is very romantic and thoughtful. He gets along great with my family and supports me in my career. I really could not have asked for a better person to spend the rest of my life with.
But there is one thing that makes me feel inadequate in my marriage – despite having sex regularly with my husband I have never had an orgasm. In fact, I have never had an orgasm in my life and have no idea what one feels like. I feel like a sexual outcast, especially when my girlfriends and I get together and they start talking about sex. David doesn’t know that I’ve never had an orgasm, either. Even though I love him with all my heart, I find myself faking my pleasure whenever we have sex. I’m just too embarrassed to admit to him that I have trouble climaxing.
A conservative sexual outlook
As a teenager, I was never sexually curious. I suspect that stems from having been brought up in a conservative family, where the word ‘sex’ was never uttered and I was never told about the ‘birds and the bees’. In secondary school and junior college, while my girlfriends were experimenting with sex and getting to know their bodies, I was more concerned about doing well in my exams and getting a place in university. To me, sex was something I wouldn’t have to think or worry about until I was much older and married. Sure, I had crushes on guys growing up and did occasionally have sexual desires, but I never acted on those impulses.
At 21, I had my first serious relationship. We had sex but it was, pretty average. The night I lost my virginity I was disappointed because I was expecting there to be moaning and fireworks. Instead there was just a lot of fumbling and embarrassment. I did not experience any pleasure and that put me off sex for a long time. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last longer than a few months.
It was the same deal when I got together with another guy at 25. We waited some months before having sex but once again it was nothing spectacular. When he performed oral sex on me I felt so self-conscious that the entire time I kept praying for it to end. He never had trouble climaxing – in fact he was quite sexually experienced – so I always found myself lying about my own sexual pleasure just so we could get the sex over and done with.
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