Just like hobbies and interests, you and your partner might have your own preferences when it comes to sex. It can be a tricky situation but leaving things as they are might result in an unfulfilling sex life and you are unable to enjoy sex the way you like it. Here are five tips on how to communicate with your partner to resolve these issues and have better sex!
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One of you likes to take your time during sex but the other prefers quickies
Your idea of satisfying sex is to take your time exploring your partner’s body and allowing him to explore yours. You love spending time kissing and caressing your man and maybe even having a sexy conversation. If you had your way, a typical lovemaking session would last 20 minutes, but your guy is content with five-minute quickies. Unfortunately, five minutes is not enough for you to build up your sexual arousal or get the amount of foreplay you need.
Start building up your sexual arousal well before you even get down to having sex, and get your partner involved. For instance, send him a sexy photo of yourself during your lunch break. Engage in a bit of X-rated phone messaging, telling him what you’d like him to do to you. You could even discuss some of your hottest sex experiences or favourite sex fantasies. The point is to be as aroused as possible by the time you see your man, so that when you finally get between the sheets, you won’t need a lot of time to work yourself up to an orgasm.
At the same time, let your guy know that you enjoy being kissed and caressed during and after sex. Tell him how it increases your sexual desire for him and helps you feel closer to him. If he understands how it adds to your overall sexual satisfaction, he’s more likely to give you what you want.
One of you prefers having sex at night but the other is a morning-sex kind of person
You enjoy sex most when you’re relaxed, which is usually right before you go to sleep. On the other hand, your guy prefers making love first thing in the morning, when his testosterone levels are high and he feels most sexually aroused. Not that he minds having sex at night but he’s usually super-tired by the time he hits the sheets.
One way around this is to take control of the pre-bedtime lovemaking. So, tell him to lay back and relax, and then assume the woman-on-top position so that he doesn’t have to expend too much energy. You’ll still get what you want and he won’t feel too worn out when you’re done.
And if you have no energy for sex in the morning, you can always try the spooning position. You don’t have to move much with this one—simply lie on your side and get your guy to spoon you. From this angle, he should be able to penetrate you quite easily, so you can relax while he does most of the work.
One of you doesn’t like to talk much during sex but the other loves dirty talk
Your man gets off on saying and hearing X-rated things during sex, but you’re usually too shy or embarrassed to reciprocate. In fact, you don’t even consider yourself vocal while making love—you prefer to just focus on the way you feel and the act you’re engaging in.
You can still engage in sexy conversation without cursing like a sailor. Try moaning softly while you’re building up to your orgasm, and when your guy pleases you the way you like, tell him, using phrases like “I love that, baby” or “That turns me on”. It’s more sexy talk than X-rated dirty talk, but it’ll be music to your man’s ears, especially if you tend to be quiet during sex. Plus, you never know how much talking this way will turn YOU on.
One of you isn’t sexually adventurous but the other likes kinky sex and trying different positions
You’re curious about sex toys, want to act out your sex fantasies, and are keen to try all the positions in the Kama Sutra. Your man, on the other hand, likes to play it safe in the bedroom and doesn’t usually venture beyond “traditional” positions like the missionary, the doggy or the woman-on-top.
Ease your guy into experimental mode by putting a twist on traditional sex positions or making his favourite positions more fun. For example, have doggy-style sex on the floor in front of full-length mirror. If he likes you to be on top, then why not have sex with him while he’s sitting in a chair? And if he’s hesitant to use sex toys, show him how you would use a vibrator, for instance, on yourself—if he sees how much it turns you on he might change his mind about using it on you.
Want him to help you fulfill your sex fantasies? You can start by asking him what HIS fantasies are, and then discuss taking turns to turn your fantasies and his, into reality.
One of you always wants sex more often than the other
You’re in the mood to have sex, but your guy doesn’t feel up to it. Differing sex drives are not uncommon but it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. Your man may just be tired or stressed, or he may just be fine with making love once a week. Try not to take it personally, but it’s a good idea to tell him how you feel about not being able to have sex with him as often as you’d like. For all you know, he may be experiencing physical or emotional issues that are affecting his libido. Communication is key when it comes to such matters so don’t be afraid to bring it up. If your guy’s low sex drive is due to a problem in your relationship or some resentment he has towards you, then you might want to seek professional relationship counselling.
If your differing sex drives are just due to tiredness or stress, schedule “sex dates” and stick to them. Discuss how often you would both like to have sex per week or month and try to negotiate a “compromise frequency” (a frequency that you’re both okay with). Putting “sex” on your To-do list doesn’t sound sexy but it’s a must if you’re going to maintain a healthy sex life. And make a commitment not to back out of these dates or complain that you’re still not doing it enough. Just remember to choose days and times when you’re both relaxed and have some free time to spend together.
Images: 123RF, Unsplash
Text: Melissa Wong / Her World / August 2018