A year has gone by since I lost my boyfriend, Aloysius, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. They say time heals all wounds… the hurt has faded, but it never left me. It’s a hole in my heart… and things will never be the same. It’s hard to explain…only those who’ve lost a loved one will truly understand this.
I flew to New Zealand last year to see Aloysius after I got a call on Jan 19 from his brother, who told me that Aloysius was seriously injured during reservist duty. He succumbed to his injuries a few days later while I was with him at the hospital. My heart dropped, and a wave of emotion came over me… I hope never to experience this feeling (again).
When I returned to the Airbnb house from the hospital, I was all alone… I wasn’t in my right mind… I had lost my entire world. When the news broke, I got messages from strangers from all over the world. Many were concerned about my well-being. I was surrounded by a lot of love from my friends and family in my difficult time.
After my loss—and inspired by Aloysius, who never called in sick even when he was—I immediately returned to work to continue filming Channel 8’s Jalan Jalan. I kept busy to distract my mind. I also turned to things that I love, like content creation on social media with my sister.
I always pray that Aloysius will appear in my dreams. In my dreams, we’re reunited. We call each other “B” as in “baby”. Though I’m tomboyish around others, around him I turn into quite the little lady.
Aloysius was kind, caring and diligent… he was crazy about acting. He also inspired me to want to settle down and start a family. I always look at his photos, videos, and messages on my phone… it makes me feel like he has never left. I trudge on in life with an image of him smiling at me… and Aloysius still makes my heart flutter.
In memory of our time together, I continue to do the things that I had promised to do with Aloysius, like going for treetop walks—he wanted to take me (in 2018) but never found the time due to work.
I don’t think I’ll ever move on. But my heart is always open and ready to love and be loved… not necessarily romantic love, but love for a job, family or friends.
I’ve matured tremendously since and I’ve come to realise how strong I can be…simply for being alive and to see the best in everyone despite all the negativity.
Text: Hayley Tai, Cheong Wen Xuan / Her World / May 2020
Image: Her World